This morning, I was walking around my house
feeling pretty blue. The song that was stuck in my head? “It’s the Most
Wonderful Time of the Year.” All I could think? “That’s a lie”. It’s the
darkest week of the year. For a Pastor, it is the highest-pressure time of the
year. And for me, it can be the saddest time of year. It didn’t used to be this
way. But after having lost both of my parents, the woman I called “Grandma
Gladys” and my brother by the age of 42, Christmas has taken a dramatic shift.
In my family room sits a big, comfy chair in
which two people who really like each other can comfortably sit. I bought this
chair because it reminded me of the chair in my growing-up-home. It was a
typical 1970’s brown and orange striped chair in soft velour. The one in my
house is the early-2000’s slightly-updated version. I love this chair. But this time of year,
every time I look at it, I have a feeling of emptiness that wells up in the
deepest part of me. Most of the time I can push the feeling down, but sometimes
it overtakes me and turns into deep sadness.
In our house, Christmas used to go like this: The girls would wake up too early for this Pastor-Mom
who had been at church until 1:00a.m. on Christmas Eve. But the joy in their
voices overwhelmed me and I would hop out of bed, eager to witness their
excitement. Before my feet hit the ground, I would call my Mom who would
happily get out of bed, get dressed, and come bounding into our house about 20
minutes later. (A small miracle as my Mom’s speed was approximately that of
molasses). When Mom arrived at our house, she would plop down in my favorite
chair. Sometimes I squished in there with her as we watched my girls open their
presents with shrieks of delight. This was the same tradition we had with
Grandma Gladys when I was a kid. My sister and I would run around the house
going completely crazy with anticipation until Grandma finally arrived and we
could tear into the wonder of Christmas. After that, we ate eggs with ham
chopped up in them and moved from Santa gifts to family gifts where my Dad
would sit in the big striped chair and pile all of his presents on his lap with
a cheesy grin on his face. My brother, who was quadriplegic and could
barely talk, would often be wearing a Santa hat and a huge smile. I can still
hear his roaring laughter as he watched my sister and me tearing around the
house all hopped up on Christmas cheer.
While my Mom was still around, I had all of
the good memories from Christmas past, and would occasionally feel the
sadness sink in at the reality of empty seats at the table. For the most part,
though, I could be in the moment – thanking God for my beautiful family and
delighting in their Christmas Joy. But the year my Mom died, there was a
tectonic shift in the season. That year, there was no early-morning phone call
to Grandma. That year, I begrudgingly rolled out of bed, more dreading than
anticipating the day. My kid’s cheer felt gut-wrenching to me because I simply
couldn’t get there.
That year, the big-striped chair sat empty
until I finally crawled up in it, wrapped myself in a blanket and let the tears
flow. I remember thinking I was being a huge bummer. But that feeling of raw
grief was too overwhelming to mask with Holiday Cheer. As soon as my family saw what was happening, they immediately piled on top of me, which was so sweet and comforting.
We held each other and talked about Grandma. It was a horrible and beautiful
moment, reminding me that although my Mom was gone, I was not alone. It didn’t take
away the sadness, but it did spark in me a tiny bit of joy in the midst of grief;
a flicker of light in deep darkness.
I have to admit, this is what it has been
like for me the past three years. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many
parties I throw or how much Holiday Cheer I try to manufacture, I cannot get
there. I can’t push back the darkness. I can’t pretend “The Most Wonderful Time
of the Year” because, quite frankly – this is the time of the year when all of
the memories come flooding back and my heart, like my favorite chair on
Christmas morning, feels more empty than full. But in a strange way, this time
of year has also become more real and more meaningful to me. No longer do I
pour all of my energy into shopping, cooking and manufacturing a mood of good
cheer. Instead, every ornament I hang, every sermon I write, every song I sing,
every gift I buy has new meaning. I have come to realize how precious this gift of life – and how fleeting. And when it comes to Christmas, I have a strong desire to dig more deeply into what it means that God comes to be with us.
As I write this, I know of a family who is saying goodbye to a beloved husband, father, grandfather
and friend. As I write this, I think of the many heart-breaking and untimely
deaths I have witnessed this year. I picture the children who have lost a
parent, the spouses who have lost a partner, the parents who have buried their
children. I know the emptiness. I know the feeling of loss and heartache. And
my heart aches for them as they face this first Christmas.
I am reminded though, in the midst of all the
pain and emptiness, that this is why Jesus came to earth. He didn’t come to
bake Christmas cookies or play the part of Santa Claus who grants every last
wish. He didn’t come to manufacture happiness or good cheer. For Jesus there
was no such thing as “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.”
Jesus came to show us that God is WITH US in
our suffering. Not just this time of year but every day for all of our lives. Jesus
came in the midst of a world that can sometimes be cruel and heartless to show
us that we have a God who does not stand next to the empty chair and feel sorry
for us. We have a God who piles on top of us, love upon love, grace upon grace and
says, “I am here. I am with you. I am for you. I love you.” Jesus comes as a flicker of light in the
darkness, a spark of joy in the sadness, a fulfillment of all the emptiness
that we feel in this life and this world. Jesus is God with us. Emmanuel.
To all of those walking in deep darkness this
Christmas, may you know that God is with you. May you know that although
everyone around you may seem “Merry and Bright,” there is so much more beneath
the surface. Christmas – the real Christmas
is about the fulfillment of love. At the birth of this baby, all heaven and
earth rejoices in a deep, earth-shaking, life-changing way. God rips heaven
open and comes to earth because He simply can’t stand to see us alone and lost
in darkness. This is the God we worship. A God who piles upon us, grace upon
grace, love never-ending, and life everlasting.
May the real spirit of Christmas, the spirit
of Jesus Christ, sink deep into your hearts. And may you always
know – you are not alone. You are never alone.
“The light shines in the darkness,
and the darkness has not overcome it.”
“From his
fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.”
- John 1